Sunday, October 10, 2010

Advice from 21 years of life

1. when someone makes you a quilt, use it. don't just shove it in the closet with all the others.
2. put chips in your sandwich. also, dip fries in chocolate shakes.
3. kindles are horrible. screens are no replacement for real books. No wonder we're all going blind.
4. Drive slowly. speeding tickets will kick your butt.
5. AlkaSeltzer is the worst. Theraflu is good, so is Pepto. It doesn't matter how many Ibuprofin you take. 9 will make you feel just as good as 2.
6. shaving your legs is never mandatory.
7. when you lean your chair back, and the front leg crushes your toe, any person has every right to say "i told you so"
8. the BRAT diet sucks. and it doesn't work. eat whatever you want when you're sick.
9. take pictures. all the time.
10. If you wouldn't say it to your dentist, don't say it.
11. cannot be trusted.
12. candles are good. incense are bad. no matter what scent they are, they smell like pot. don't use them; you'll ruin your carpet for the next tenants.
13. sometimes, all you can do is let your basil die. (there was nothing i could do. i had neglected it for too long)
14. sexy halloween costumes are the worst. i never look at a girl in a playboy bunny costume and think, "she looks smart. i have respect for her. i bet she owns real estate."
15. Everyone needs therapy. Everyone.
16. hair is not like fingernails. You can't change the color everyday with the delusion that you won't go bald.
17. you think that when you get married, you're all grown up. but your parents are still your parents, and they can still tell you what to do. or get you in trouble.
18. If you know you're afraid of sharks, don't watch Jaws. If you know you're afraid of asian kids, don't watch the Grudge. If you do, you're asking for it.
19. We all love america, but really, the 4th of July is one of the more boring holidays.
20. obviously, never place a candle below a smoke detector.
21. Monopoly is a device created by Satan to tear families apart.

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