Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sadness by proxy, and joy

This last week was a weird one for me. I spent the week in LA at my parents' house so I could drive my brother to school while they took a trip to Dubai. As I mentioned in this post, being away from Conrad for so many days and nights kind of led to a hormone-driven meltdown. I felt lonely without him, and weirdly enough, when my parent's got home, I procrastinated the two hour drive home so I could have lunch with my dad.

Maybe I missed my parents a little more? Anyway, on Sunday, my brother and I drove to our aunt's house and had dinner with our cousins.

Here's where I felt another wave of emotion. My cousin's wife got pregnant about a month or two before I did. Then when I got pregnant, we were so excited that we'd be pregnant together and that we'd both have our babies in time for the family reunion at the end of the summer. When she was about 18 weeks, they went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Their sweet boy just couldn't stay with them. My mom called me and told me the news. I pulled the car over and just... cried. I mourned for my poor friend and cousin. I mourned for myself that my baby wouldn't have a buddy (selfish, but emotions are weird things). I worried (also selfishly) that the same thing might happen to me and my baby. She was far enough along that they couldn't do a regular D & C - she had to deliver her tiny, still, precious baby. I don't even like to wonder how horrible and heartbreaking that experience was for her.

A couple months passed, and Easter Sunday rolled around. I debated not going to our family's gathering because I knew that she would be there, and I felt a huge amount of guilt and awkwardness that her baby had died and mine didn't. I didn't know how to handle it. Should I avoid the topic of pregnancy altogether? I knew it was inevitable that family members would ask me about my pregnancy, and I was worried that my presence would cause her pain.

About twenty minutes before my cousin and his wife got there, my aunt (her mother-in-law) spilled the beans that they are pregnant again. What a wave of joy I felt at that moment! I felt relief that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I was much less worried about causing pain. I was thrilled that we could still have babies together, only now my son would be older instead of hers. She seemed to beam with excitement when she got there. They had learned that she has a blood clotting disorder that causes her blood to thicken, which is why the baby didn't survive. They said they look at the experience as a blessing, because if that hadn't happened, she could have had a stroke and died. Now they know that she needs blood-thinning medicine, and they know how to help her have a healthy pregnancy.

On the drive home, my brother slept and I just wept. I was so grateful for God's eternal plan, and that He blesses us so much. I don't normally discuss religious or spiritual beliefs on the blog, but in light of Easter Sunday and Christ's magnificent atonement, I feel it appropriate to say that I love my Heavenly Father, I love his Son Jesus Christ, I love my wonderful family, and I'm grateful that families can be together forever.


  1. I am in tears right now. God has a plan for each and every single one of us, and perhaps her angel baby really was an angel, sent down from Him to heal her before something horrible happened! So sweet to have her to share memories with and for your little ones to grow together!

  2. Awhh. This is so beautiful! I miscarried too, and we are really hoping we get pregnant soon. It's all in His timing though:)

  3. This is a great post about your experience. I can only imagine the emotions flowing at the time. I would have felt crushed and as much excitement as I might have had I too would have felt obligated to not go. I hate hurting others and just the thought of potentially making my cousin miss a baby she once carried would hold heavy on my heart. Thanks for sharing this one had to be tough to write up!

  4. what an amazing story. I wish both you and your cousin beautiful pregnancies and births!

  5. love your post...the same scenario happened to me with my second baby and my sister in law...so sorry for her loss, but so happy God blessed her through it



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