Twenty-two

I feel like I've kind of plateaued as far as milestones. Baby boy is still moving, my belly is still a growing thing, and I still crave meat. I had another check-up, but it was five minutes long and I didn't get to look at him. Our only real milestone (which was a big one) was that Conrad felt him kick for the first time this week. He was on night work, so when he got home in the morning, he hopped in bed, and I was just getting ready to wake up. I told him to just rest his hand on my belly, because Boybie was having a karate-fest. Two or three big kicks happened, and I didn't say anything. I just waited for Conrad to react (plus, I find that when I speak to say "there was a kick," it distracts him from feeling it). Conrad gasped and said, "Oh my gosh, was that him?!" I was so excited that I started laughing, and I couldn't really stop, which made it hard to feel more kicks. It was a special moment.

I guess there was a sub-milestone on the same note: I was in the bath and the baby was having another karate-fest. I looked down at my belly and saw it move and throb with his kicks. That was pretty fun. It made me feel like we could almost see him. He's so close to us all the time, but we don't really get to snuggle him or play with him. Seeing his little limbs (or head, or whatever it was) jut out like that made me really excited to meet him.

I'm much more obliged to eat healthy foods than I have in the past during pregnancy. Also, my own guilt has gotten the better of me, since I was warned about GD (which scared me so much I almost pooped myself) and I'm noticing a little excess weight gain around my... everything.

We're going to just go ahead and turn this into a post about insecurity, since I don't have much else to say as far as milestones.

I have to remind myself daily - literally daily, not just saying that - that the weight will come off if I work toward it and if I can keep control while I'm pregnant. I found myself justifying a lot of indulgence because "I'm pregnant and I need the extra calories anyway." So I would eat ice cream and cookies and other things that babies don't need. Then I'd be worried that I'd get GD. I don't know how likely it is for a woman to get it, but if it exists, it's too likely.

So I'd feel terrible about it but not make any changes. I would still eat out at places I was craving or justify dessert. I haven't been very good about staying active the last few weeks, either.

In the past, I've been afraid to take myself on a walk. Not because I feel like I'm in danger if I'm by myself, but because I simply don't like doing the activity if I'm doing it alone. So if I didn't have a partner to hold me accountable, I wouldn't go. Which leads to saddlebags and double chins.

So now, out of love for my baby and my own health and future, I've decided to walk by myself. I know most of you won't care, but this is my way of "staying accountable," by telling you. Ask me about it. Remind me if it comes to your mind. I want to be able to keep up with my kid and not be out of breath when we play outside. I want to be confident with how I look. Maybe we should start a virtual fitness group or something!

So there we go. Twenty-two weeks along.